THOU SHALL NOT POST ON MY FACEBOOK WALL! (The 10 commandments of celebrating birthdays in the new Millennium) by Esan Teniola.

 

Everybody loves birthdays. Especially when its yours. Its that one day out of 365 days that you are allowed to feel special; When its all about you. But since you probably share the same birthday with atleast 100 million other people on earth, then it isn’t really all about you is it? Anyways, who cares; mine is around the corner. (18^th October just in case you forgot) and I started to think about the way people celebrate birthdays now as against what we knew growing up. As a kid growing up in Nigeria, it was about a big cake, the national birthday anthem by Edna whats-her-name (“Ooh Yeah, I wish you happy birthday…ooh yeah, and a many many happy returns”, im sure you remember that one) with people gathered around you singing while you blush. And theres a few bottles of Fanta and coke and malt on the table, with a ridiculous cap on your head. Now, its just a day when people obstruct your internet traffic by pasting one sentence on your facebook wall or bbm messenger of twitter feed... so sad. Which is why I wrote this article- the 10 Rules of Celebrating Birthdays in the New Millenium. Its high time someone set the record straight and that's just what i've done. So read, enjoy, and go and sin no more.

NO. 1 THOU SHALL NOT POST ON MY FACEBOOK WALL. do not cause unnecessary internet traffic on my wall just because its my birthday. Its so cliché to send people a wall greeting on facebook when its their birthday. In the good old days you would feel special when someone remembered your birthday because then they had to write it in a diary and keep it in mind. Now its like, ‘duh! facebook reminded you.’ Even if facebook reminded you, please don’t make it so obvious. Add some creativity to it. Don't paste a bland 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY' on my wall.

NO.2 THOU SHALT EITHER CALL ME PERSONALLY, SEND ME A TEXT MESSAGE OR SEND ME AN INBOX ON FACEBOOK OR EMAIL. Yes, I would appreciate that. Or even better, send me a shoutout on the radio, where the whole world can hear. (but make sure it’s a station the whole world listens to.) I would appreciate a call from an old friend. Or a text message. Something unexpected. Something sweet.

NO.3 THOU SHALL USE MY PICTURE AS UR DP (DISPLAY PIC) FOR 24 HOURS ON BBM- This is an absolute must. At the break of dawn you must set my picture as your dp on bbm. You must not change your DP at any time during the day. Even if you have found the perfect DP for your mood or there is a missing person who you are trying to spread the word about. The missing person can wait till after my birthday to be found (just kidding.) but seriously though. Don’t change it. Even if im off bbm.

NO. 4 THOU SHALT NOT SUMMARIZE MY BIRTHDAY MESSAGE. Please take note, all you texters that have ridiculed the English language. The words ‘HBD, LLNP, IJN, GGMUB,’ are not in the oxford dictionary, or any dictionary for that matter. HBD means ‘Hieroglyphic Biblical Diatribe’ not ‘Happy BirthDay’. LLNP means, ‘Linear Leveraging Network Protocol’ not ‘Long Life And Prosperity.’ Im sure you catch my drift. Thou shall not abbreviate.

NO. 5 THOU SHALT NOT ASK ME WHERE THE PARTY IS @? There is no party. I am not throwing a party. Did you not go to a party last week Saturday? Na for my head you wan chop afternoon food? U de forbid to throw party for me?

 

NO. 6 THOU SHALL TELL ME SOMETHING NICE, NOT JUST HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Once again, I beg in fear of sounding cliché…be creative, don’t be cliché. Tell me something else apart from happy birthday. Its what u tell everybody else. Tell me something special. Let me know how much I mean to you, or how much u value our friendship etc etc etc If u tell me “happy birthday” (full stop) I will simply reply, “same to you.”

NO. 7 THOU SHALT BLESS ME INSTEAD OF ASKING GOD TO DO IT. Dont tell me God will bless you. Why do u have 2 hands and a wallet? You bless me jare. Shake body for your guy. Nothing for the boys? Make I chop chicken for your head nau? At all at all na im bad pass. (translation: a little is better than nothing at all)

NO. 8 THOU SHALL NOT BUY ME BOXERS OR SINGLETS. (Notice to all ladies in relationships) This commandment goes out to all the girls who received BB Q10 on their birthdays with dinner for 2 at Eko Hotel Sky Lounge, and thought it equal reciprocation to buy their guys boxers in return. Smh (shaking my head) Your reward is on the way.

NO. 9 THOU SHALL NOT BUY ME A BIRTHDAY CARD OR SEND ME AN ECARD OR ANYTHING OF THAT SORT.  What happened to recharge card? What happened to ATM card? Abeg jare (Translation: cut the crap!)

NO. 10 THOU SHALL BE TRUTHFUL TO ME ON MY BIRTHDAY. Tell me the truth about myself. Its what I appreciate most. I don’t know about other people. If iv ever offended you, tell me on my birthday let’s be reconciled. If I did something good, tell me. Tell me how much you appreciate having me in your life- And then I guess it would really make it a happy birthday for me. Tell me how much you enjoy our friendship, or how I can be a better friend to you, because that’s what life is about- being a better person for the sake of every one around us.

So there you have it- these are my 10 birthday commandments. Break them, and face the consequences. Abide by them and lets be best of friends. You have been warned, lol. Date once again is 18^th October. I trust you wont forget. Much love. Esan Teniola. (btw: I don't celebrate birthdays, I celebrate Life.)